Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Sooo... I Might Be In The Diamondback...

This semester I have been so privileged to hear the words of amazing history-makers on my own campus. I walked for seven minutes and heard Dr. John Carlos, one of the fist-raising Olympians from 1968, tell men to be the thorns that protect their roses, their women, just after he described how afraid he was that he would lose his life for what he chose to do in the year of the Mexico City massacre. How what he did affected his ability to get work. How it took years for his actions and those who sacrificed with him to be publicly accepted, commemorated.

I walked for eight minutes and heard Dr. Evelynn Hammonds, dean of Harvard College, talk about the systemic marginalization of women, especially women of color, in STEM fields (science, technology, engineering, and math), and what that really even means. From being left out of study groups to being spoken to condescendingly, these experiences add up over time and create contexts that subtly, and often unintentionally, leave women of color - and everyone - further and further behind. Dr. Hammonds called for uncovering and breaking down the "built-in hierarchies in science that are deeply embedded and difficult for researchers to analyze." She asked that we make the "invisible system of mentoring that works for some people a visible system of mentoring that works for everybody." I became just a little more grateful for my advisor and mentors.

How to build a system that works for everyone? Through shared commitment. Dr. Hammonds told a story about her work with lasers, in which she wasn't always successful, and how she had almost nothing in common with her mentor except for her fascination with this laser. That is what connected them. "The ground that we share is a commitment to the world, a commitment to the science. The laser became the object through which we could communicate. We have a commitment to the production of knowledge. It's the knowledge that has to become the vehicle. ... Mentoring across race - gender - sexuality - is fine. We have to be committed to the work."

But that's not why I might be in the Diamondback. Today I walked for - well, you get the point - to hear the son of Henrietta Lacks speak about the 2011 UM First Year Book, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, by Rebecca Skloot. "Sonny" Lacks and several other family members came to campus, and Sonny spoke with Professors Lee Thornton and Stephen D. Thomas about his family's experiences. Just like in the book, Sonny emphasized repeatedly how the contribution his mother's cells made to science and healing superseded his own wishes that his family had been treated better. He answered my initial question spontaneously, whether he and the rest of the family now have access to health care as a result of this book. No.

And then I got a chance to get on the microphone and ask whether the playing field is being leveled so that people can profit from their own cells the way corporations have been allowed to. Historically, if I understand correctly, people have been hindered from patenting their own cells because of the fear that they would try to charge exorbitant amounts of money from researchers, thus hindering scientific progress, but now corporations can do this exact thing. My heart was beating so fast, but then I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was getting to ask questions of the people that, as I read, I was wishing I could meet someday and ask questions! The people that I swore looked so familiar - like some of my own family - when I found the pictures in the middle of the book.

As I waited at the mic, I snapped some blurry pictures of the standing-room-only crowd in the Hoff, and then Dr. Thornton acknowledged me. I rambled only a little, saying my first name, thanking the family for coming, and then asking my question. Dr. Thomas responded, saying that conversations like the one we were having would be necessary to increase literacy of the laws and awareness of the inequalities that exist in our current biomedical and legal systems.

The last woman to speak - who happens to be in the picture above in the white jacket - simply cried and thanked the family, Henrietta especially, because in a way it allowed her to thank her own mother. Dr. Thornton acknowledged her and said that she knew of the similarity in this woman's story. The feeling of connectedness was potent. Sonny kept telling how grateful he was that his family's story was being shared by "young beautiful peoples like yourself." I hope that the sight of us encouraged him the way he encouraged us. The way he encouraged the woman who cried, coming off the stage to give her a hug.

I was a little late with getting the hug... As we were dismissed, I heard a girl behind me saying, "Excuse me." I thought she was talking to someone else, but she came up to me and introduced herself. She was reporting for the Diamondback and wanted to ask me about my question. This time I really did ramble (I know, Dr. Carter, I know - sound bites). I described my question, why I was interested in the family's story, why the book was fascinating, what made me start reading it. Who knows what that article is going to say, probably something like, "Disturbed graduate student thinks she's Henrietta Lacks' distant cousin."

On the way out, I was able to thank some of the family for coming, including Zakariyya Rahman, who didn't look at me. I saw his hearing aid and wondered if he heard me, but having read the book, I doubt he would have acknowledged me anyway. I smiled.

I overheard some students talking and told them where they can find the Undergraduate Studies office to get the book, how to get to Marie Mount hall. As we walked, we discussed the likelihood that our own cells have been used for research, whether blood that we donate could be used for research and profit. The conversation continues.

I walked to the library, where I am now. On the way, just in front of McKeldin, I saw Zakariyya and Ms. (Courtney?) Speed walking, unrecognized. Zakariyya carried the framed poster of Henrietta that Dr. Lisa Kiely, assistant dean for Undergraduate Studies, had presented to Sonny on the stage moments before. I snapped another picture of the two among the students not far from Testudo, in front of my library, on my campus. 

I might not understand the reasons why the woman in the audience cried, but I understand now the overwhelming feeling of being connected to a common history. Of being able to meet people whose stories I may not even have read - I didn't know about Dr. Hammonds before seeing the announcement of her talk, and I hadn't read much about Dr. Carlos - and realizing what a shame it would have been had I walked past them one day and known nothing about who they are, what they have done, the awareness they have awakened. How many others have I passed whose stories - written and unwritten - would change my life? I am grateful to be inspired in this moment, at this university, with these amazing people who write, invite, advise, mentor, research, and connect. These people with a shared commitment.




Thursday, October 20, 2011

Better Than Prozac

Some days I have to convince myself - or God has to convince me - that I am not about to experience the worst day of my life. I was starting off today like that, complete with being near tears and all, when it all just vanished suddenly. I was on my way to campus, sick with a cold, late for a meeting, and behind in my work, but suddenly the following went through my mind, clear, in my own voice: "This is not one of those things that you need to stress out over. This will turn out just fine. I love you."

...Anxiety melted. I drove the rest of the way to campus and noticed how autumn's colors had started to show in the trees, how the yellows and reds had mixed in with greens as wet leaves reflected the clear morning sunlight. Just colors turning, turning in the breeze.

And today turned out just fine. I was able to adjust some things that weren't working in my schedule. I revamped my plan for the day and for my daily activities. I reminded myself yet again that I am NOT out of time. I did what I was capable of and got to the library. I will go to bed on time. I will work even harder to get up on time and restart the habit of effectiveness.


Genesis 21:19 "Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink." Bada bing, bada boom. Suddenly my eyes were opened and I saw the beauty of what was in front of me and only that, and I took the next steps. So simple. Life is simple. Life is good. I might still be pretty loony in a given moment, but most people are at least a little crazy, and what happened to me was better than Prozac. I want to remember this experience.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Even When You Fail, It Won't Be For Long

Thanks, Ralph Marston. I love that guy.

Today I almost let myself roll off into depression. I have been trying to get up early - 5am - but today I stayed in the bed later than I have in a while. At 10am I finally started easing into the motions, and by noon I was on campus. To me, this was a big fail.

But I did pray this morning, "Dear Lord, here I am your humble servant, reporting for duty. If there is a door you want me to go through, please open it and help me to walk through it. If there is a door you don't want me to go through, please close it and help me to accept it. I am your servant." I felt like I could walk through another door.

Thanks Pastor Battle's mentor.

And I did show up to a stats discussion of missing data hosted by my beautiful lab mates. I felt like I wasn't completely lost during the discussion, so I left feeling even better.

Thanks stats professors and stats-savvy advisor.

And I did some good work at my assistantship and actually completed an award application in time to get some feedback on my personal statement, so now I feel like this day was actually pretty good.

Failure wasn't for long. Thank you, God.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Existential: Pertaining to Existence (Thanks, Dictionary.com)

Caution: existential posting. Also: movie spoiler.

There's some truth to fiction, right? Like how in The Adjustment Bureau there is this question about how much of life is "planned" and how much is truly free will and changeable, and yet if you're willing to fight you can change even those parts of life that seemed predestined. I can't even remember what thought made me start writing this, but there's so much possibility, so much potential that gets lost because we accept what we think is a rule or fact of life.

Am I just distracting myself from doing my work? Probably. Ok back to chapter 3...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Accomplishments List.

I'm having a freakout moment ("I won't be able to get enough data!" "I won't know how to run my analyses when I get all my data!" "My Chapter 2 doesn't make any sense!"). In order to counteract this, I will do what my mentor instructed me during our last meeting: make an accomplishments list.

At the end of last semester, I got a formal letter from my departmental review committee saying that although I had made some progress over the year, "greater progress ... was needed." I wanted to crawl under a rock. But talking with my mentor (not the same as an advisor) made me want to crawl out from under the rock and keep trying. She reminded me that I had accomplished a LOT over the year, so all I need to do when I'm stuck is reflect on those things that I've already done. I can be inspired because I've already worked my way through some tough challenges:
  • I finished and defended my proposal (that I thought I couldn't write).
  • I worked through preliminary revisions to get my advisor's signature for the official approval document for the study.
  • I obtained IRB approval.
  • I obtained permission to use the MBI burnout scale, which isn't publicly available.
  • I made my entire study available online with personalized links for each participant.
  • I got approval from three counties to conduct research.
  • I have worked with six principals so far - and visited with most - to get their teachers to participate.
  • I've started to learn a new statistical method to model my data.
  • And my mentor told me to make sure to include that I navigated a challenging relationship through most of that. I'll add that I maintained other important friendships and taken care of myself physically and psychologically to the best of my ability, and I'm getting better at these things while learning how to protect my time.
When I freak out, it's because I'm not keeping my thoughts in the moment, which is the only place where I have any power. If I keep my thoughts where my power is, I can use my power to change my circumstances. I don't have to believe the lie that I must fear what MIGHT happen; there is no power in worry. I can pray and keep it moving. So I go, so I go. :)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Making a Routine Routine

I'm trying to build new habits and get rid of old ones. Getting up on time. Going to bed on time. Working every day, doing something toward my dissertation. Exercising, eating well. Spending important quality time with loved ones (during my scheduled hours, of course).

I'm realizing how bad my bad habits are. I let myself get interrupted so often, deliberately, that I forget what I was supposed to be working on in the first place. Trying to say no even takes its toll on me. I THOUGHT I was saying no pretty often, but when I made it a rule, it started to HURT how much that word no had to come out of my mouth. I was starting to question even more whether this dissertation is even worth it, with everything that I'm missing out on.

But today I found that I had some time to put away some clothes that I had been letting pile up for who knows how long. I had spent wonderful time with my family for my mom's birthday, but I also followed a plan, and I had more time than I thought. This can get better, and I won't miss out.

I learned some new quotes in church today:
The world breaks everyone, and some get strong in the broken places - Ernest Hemingway
Also:
If afflictions refine some, they consume others - John Fuller
The scripture reading was Psalm 30: 1-5. It is definitely one to remember.


Thursday, June 30, 2011

Who Is Smackdown?

Not too long ago I was a youth ministry worker at my church, and at one point I was helping to run it. Eventually one of my mentors would tell me that there is no reason a doctoral student should be running a church ministry and I stepped down, vowing to hurry up and ph.inish so I could come back. But that was after I noticed that many of the teens had these cool "middle names" on Facebook. I decided I wanted one. I was feeling feisty. Smackdown was born.