Countdown: 0 days, 0 hours, 0 minutes

I just posted this to the Dissertation House blog:

My countdown app has reached 0 days, 0 hours, and 0 minutes, but I'm still counting down to Wednesday. However, I am going to have to wait on my committee to find out whether I will need to reschedule my defense date.

The good news is that I set a really ambitious date to Ph.inish, and I am SO close and that date could still happen. This is amazing given that, not long ago, I was convinced I couldn't complete this degree.

The I-Need-To-Go-With-The-Flow-But-Not-Bad news is that I am working up until the last minute and am having to request that my committee take less reading time than required before the defense date.

The great news is that I have been working consistently and taking care of my basic needs for food-rest-exercise in between working, and it has paid off in my resilience and balance. I can do this. Whether I do it on April 11 or on April 11+N or May # doesn't matter. I think my heart is slowing back to a normal rhythm now...

Three of the four committee members I was waiting for responses from have said yes to keep the current date.

Wooosaaaaahhhhh.

Onward.

This is what my friend just emailed me:

May God bless you with everything, be strong, stay encouraged! It will only be but for a moment. Keep persevering. God will keep you even when you feel you cannot be kept!

Isaiah 41:10  -- Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

This is what I think:
So good.

Nobody Warned Me

Nobody warned me that writing a dissertation causes so many papercuts and hangnails...

...Yes, that's the Batmobile.

Happy Writing.

First and Goal

There is this vision that floats through my mind when I get really stressed over everything I need to do to write these last two chapters. I am at the end of the football field and the team has been working hard to get close to this score. We've got enough time but it feels too close for comfort. I just have to remember all the work I've done and keep pushing closer and closer to that goal. I'm too close and I've put in too much investment in this dissertation game to turn the ball over now.

"The more insane I feel, the closer I'm getting," is what I just told my friend. I won't believe the lie that creeps in sometimes -

that it's too late,

that there's not enough time,

that there's too much to do,

that I don't know enough.

I've taken longer than most people, but I'm still here for a reason or two, and I will finish this race against myself. I'm even feeling more and more excitement at all of the reasons why I'm going to celebrate - being able to spend more time with friends and family, going to dance again, maybe even sleeping in here and there rather than pushing to get up at 5am every single day. Finally I'm learning, or, I'm being taught these lessons of how to push in the right way without judgment, how to have a better sense of authority over my circumstances. I've noticed my language change from "I'm trying to finish by..." to "I will finish by..." Some days I want to regress to "trying" but I won't do it.

It's done, just walk it through. Then walk the stage.

Phil 3:14