Monday, March 12, 2012

First and Goal

There is this vision that floats through my mind when I get really stressed over everything I need to do to write these last two chapters. I am at the end of the football field and the team has been working hard to get close to this score. We've got enough time but it feels too close for comfort. I just have to remember all the work I've done and keep pushing closer and closer to that goal. I'm too close and I've put in too much investment in this dissertation game to turn the ball over now.

"The more insane I feel, the closer I'm getting," is what I just told my friend. I won't believe the lie that creeps in sometimes -

that it's too late,

that there's not enough time,

that there's too much to do,

that I don't know enough.

I've taken longer than most people, but I'm still here for a reason or two, and I will finish this race against myself. I'm even feeling more and more excitement at all of the reasons why I'm going to celebrate - being able to spend more time with friends and family, going to dance again, maybe even sleeping in here and there rather than pushing to get up at 5am every single day. Finally I'm learning, or, I'm being taught these lessons of how to push in the right way without judgment, how to have a better sense of authority over my circumstances. I've noticed my language change from "I'm trying to finish by..." to "I will finish by..." Some days I want to regress to "trying" but I won't do it.

It's done, just walk it through. Then walk the stage.

Phil 3:14

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